you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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