just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
