I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
