Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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