Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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