no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
