i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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