there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
