I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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