I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He better not be in your backpack
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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