I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
