sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
