Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
