I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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