Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
