when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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