he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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