im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
