When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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