She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
