Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
