he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
