sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
