i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
