Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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