My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
