then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
