if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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