The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
