There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
