the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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