i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
