my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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