nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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