She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
