turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
