Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
