I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
