I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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