just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
