Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
