my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
