Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
