Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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