Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
