Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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