you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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