he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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