I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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