two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
