my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
